Friends & Friendship Pt. 2

So we are back with the continuation.

A lot happened during that time – I never changed my definition of him, but just so you understand where this new tone is coming from. He was very open, like he could make friends like that – snaps fingers, while I, having found one person was satisfied. So basically, he was my friend then I had friends that were primarily his friends – they were friends of a friend.

At that time, you got a new supply of provisions every month, and because my mum loved me at the time – it has since faded – I got a lot more than he got. And, as time went on, it caused a bit of friction, because I felt that since he was my friend I should share. So, we would, but when my stuff finished and it was his turn to pick up, he would find a reason to fight with me – we used to call it ‘keeping malice’, and he used to do that a lot – among other things. We fought like that quite regularly, but because we always got back together, – I was very gullible -, I never thought much of it.

At the end of the second year, I changed schools – this would be my final move before uni. I tried to keep in touch. I had his landline – it is one of the four numbers I have memorized mum’s, dad’s, mine and his, that’s how deep it was. At the time my dad was still working with my former school, and thus went there regularly. I used to try and accompany him, but he would trick me, so that when I went to get ready, he would leave. But one day, in my fifth year, after holiday prep classes, I came downstairs and there he was – I was shook – I freaked out, but in a good way. So, we hung out, he came to my house – first and last time. It felt as if we had never been apart.

Then secondary school finished. So, it was time for uni. During my first year at uni, we kept in touch – not very frequently, but enough. At the end of that year I had to change schools – I was chasing a particular course – and I had two offers, but one of the reasons for my choice was because he was there. I thought of it as a chance to reconnect with my ‘best friend’ and it was – for a while. During the first semester we were very chill, but then came second semester and everything changed – during pre-recording I deepened my voice for ominous effect -even though I didn’t know it at the time. When we resumed, I found out that he had just returned from the US. I was ecstatic for him, because when we were in school, he had told me his family had been trying for so long. So, I was really happy for him. So, he came back with all this stuff. For the first few weeks his stuff was in my room, and, he had brought this cereal – I can’t remember what – so, I had asked him if I could have some, and he said it was alright. I finished one pack – over the course of several days – and, when he returned, he freaked out saying how could I have finished it, that did I know how much it cost, that I couldn’t afford it and some other stuff I would rather not type. Anyway, this led to a huge fight that had to be broken up by security. But as I said I was very gullible – not anymore – so, I forgave him and we were back to ‘normal’. Sometime later we got into another fight. I can’t remember what it was about, but during the break while I was trying to mend fences, I brought up the fact that he was one of the reasons I was there and he said point blank “I didn’t ask you to come”. That hurt, but we still made up. Shortly after this I had to change schools again.

So I’ll be back again next week with the conclusion of this chapter of my life.

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Friends & Friendship Pt. 1

I’ve been putting this off since last year. But today we are going to be talking about Friends & Friendship.

The dictionary defines a friend as ‘a person other than a family member, spouse or lover whose company one enjoys and towards whom one feels affection.

To a lot of people this is what a friend is to them but in recent times, I have been in situations that have caused me to reevaluate that ‘friend’ status that I had given to people. One of the major things that has given rise to this uncertainty is that tag of ‘best friend’. How do you determine that someone is your best friend? I s it because the person at one point was your only friend or are there other criteria.

If you read my bio, you will see that I am of a certain age and I have pursued one course through four universities, three states and two countries. A kind of constant from before that time was somebody I met in secondary school – that’s what we call high school, although it’s six years. In my second year I changed schools – I moved around a lot. That was when I met this person who genuinely seemed nice – the word I used when I prerecorded this was amazing.

It was basically fate, because, when I went for the entrance exam, I didn’t want to talk to anybody, but my mum was like you have to make friends. So, I just saw this guy and we started playing together. And when I got into the school, because it was a boarding school, there was a point which parents could not cross. So, I got to that point and I just saw this guy from afar and we just ran to each other. I still remember, he was wearing a white shirt with adieu written on it – I can’t remember if it was to a man or a woman. And for the next two years we were like that – intertwines fingers.

Happy New Year

To copy Jeffree Star.

Hello everyone and welcome back to my blog. Hi. How are ya?

I’m chuckling.

Anyway, welcome back.

Continuing my promise, I’ll try and post more regularly.

To kick things off is a post that I had to split into different parts. Because, when I recorded it before transcription, it was soooo looong. Who knew I had that much to unload.

I apologise in advance for the abrupt endings. Just stick around and stay tuned. The full story will be revealed in due time.

Once more, welcome back.

Love?

A long time ago I was involved with someone. This was basically my longest relationship – even though it wasn’t really; at least not officially. We met in 2008 under very adventurous circumstances (like if we were caught shit would have gone down). And I officially (semi)let go this year. So that is 10 years.

It went on through 6 schools, 2 countries, 3 states. It was a roller coaster of emotions. None of which I would have called love. It was what I called an intense obsession, because I didn’t know what love was. Later on I did say it was love because I assumed that such an intense feeling had to be.

I came out of that emotionally changed – this is a self assessment. I was not treated well, and most of the time I felt it was my fault. I spoke to my friends about it and they all said I needed to get out. But how do you leave something – even if it’s not a “thing” – that has been going on for that long.

We fought for a year, then briefly reconciled and promptly fell right back to arguing. And in every situation it was made to seem like it was something I did or sometimes didn’t do.

It took a cessation of communication for me to gain perspective – which I’m still gaining – that I was alright. It was during that time that I discovered that I could make it on my own. But just as I was moving on with nothing but a text they were back in my head for me to obsess over the myriad meanings I could glean from those few lines.

Eventually, I had to totally cut off, delete, block, unsubscribe.

A while after this, I met somebody. But suffice to say the attraction was not mutual. But they made me at least confront my feelings and finally understand that yes I did and maybe still do love … .

Because I did a lot, and I was made to understand that sacrifice is a part of love. That does not preclude that some love is toxic – as sacrifice should not be one-sided – but I’m still finding that out.

Friends

I think everybody should have friends made of 3 groups 

1. People who are below you in any manner, so that once in a while you can feel good about yourself 

2. People who are on your level, so you have stuff to talk about 

3. People who are above you, so you have something to aspire to

This is not a hard and fast rule, it’s just my opinion

Difficulty

These past months have made me realise something; blogging is difficult.

I started blogging one night not out of random chance but because someone told me to, shortly after that it became something more; a way for me to air my views beyond 140 characters on Twitter, and away from the hum drum of Facebook.

It gave me some level of anonymity. Nobody on here knew me, and nobody would; at least not beyond what I wrote.But that was the point; showing people what I thought was the real me without them actually seeing the real me, drawing conclusions only from what I had written.

I intended to write regularly, even posted a promise about it, but life is unpredictable and i wasn’t able to live up to that promise. And although I want to make that promise again I can’t because, although I might like to think my life is interesting enough or I’m smart enough to come up with little quips or inspirational messages to post, the truth is my life is very boring and I’m not as smart as I like to think.Not a lot happens in my life, and sometimes when it happens I can’t write it down.

I have gotten so used to hiding that I can’t fully open up. The hiding is something I have learnt recently, because when you open yourself up to someone, they have control, and they can hurt you; hurt you in ways that they don’t understand; ways that will follow you around for a long time.

But you learn to live with the hurt and the pain and the scars; not forgotten, but always there; just beneath the surface of what everyone sees. That persona that you craft because you feel you can never open up again.

You feel you know me.

But you don’t.

 

Prayer

I am totally confused right now. This morning I woke up this morning to pray, and because my roommate was in the room, I decided to pray in my mind.
Now, I know the mind is a place of distraction, and today was the day it decided to prove itself. Random things I normally wouldn’t even think to think of, were just running through my head. So I had to keep pulling my mind back on track.
After that I began thinking if my prayer was void, so I said to myself I’ll pray again.
My basic question is “How do you avoid distractions in the place of prayer”?